I had a dream once. A dream where I'm a policeman. And there is one where I'm like my father, an engineer. But that's all the it will be, a dream.
I never wanted this type of life. I had a dream that I can change the world. I also had an idea of an Ironman like armor. But that's all that it will be, a dream.
Living here in the Philippines is quite dream crushing, to be honest. It's where parents are the one who tells you what to dream. To tell you what your life should be. Where they will be disappointed if you do not obey. I know that not every parents here are not like that and some people here have achieved their dreams. But not everyone is so lucky, majority of us are just shells of our former selves. Not one bit of enthusiasm left. I am that person.
I have dreamed that I can change the world with my ideas. But not like Elon Musk. I dreamed of a beautiful world and free. And yet, I am stuck at home, being useless and mocked by my own mother. She's even using one of the language here to ridicule me even further.
There is a term here for all mothers here in the Philippine: ilaw ng tahanan. In english, the light of the household. It means they bring light and happiness to her family. But not mine. She has ridiculed me for so long, that I can't take anymore. I even considered suicide just to end it all. But due to my timid nature and empathy for other people, I can't. I just can't. Even when I die, I know a handful of people who literally miss me. But not my own mother. Not my own flesh and blood.
She has used her own family to get her way with my father for a couple years now before he decided to stay home permanently. She has used us, manipulated us into thinking that our father is the bad guy. And it worked. I still hate my father is an extent but not as much anymore. Because I know deep in my heart that he will always be there to help me.
But my mother? The one who gave birth to me, will not. She has always been manipulative. Always been getting her way with everything in our family life. The way we think, the way we talk, the way stand, everything. I have kept myself silent for years, knowing that one misbehavior can be devastating.
She even disown my big brother. My own big brother just because of an argument. And because she doesn't like his wife but that's another story.
I have kept myself quiet for so long that I need to let it out, one way or another. My mind can't let go unless I vent it out somehow. That's why I wrote this, to keep my mind at ease.
I never wanted to do this but I have made my mind and not regretting writing everything in this blog entry.
For all of the readers out there whose losing hope in life, I know someone is out there ready to help you in every way possible. You are the only who pull yourself up but doesn't mean no one can help you to do it.
Monday, January 9, 2017
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Family road trip
Today may be one of my fulfilling dreams thus far. Even though we went out last Christmas day, this was way more memorable.
Today, we went on a family road trip and oh boy, it was exhausting and yet I don't feel tired at all. I feel more energize and alive. I don't feel depress or angry. Unlike before that I feel tired and exhausted, even though I didn't do anything both physically and mentally. This was different.
My day goes like any other day, I woke up, ate breakfast and cleaned the house. My typical day. But since, my parents was planning to go to Liliw, Laguna, I have to bathe after all of my chores. After preparing all the necessary necessities for travel, taking out all of the pets to the garage, and then were off.
At first I was curious what's in Liliw, but I remembered from stories that they sell slippers there. So I imagined that it will just be full of stalls selling slippers. But I never thought that it will be a street full of stores selling said product. And it was my first time going there.
To be quite honest, we didn't spent that much time in Liliw. I think we only took an hour to look around. Main reason for that is we brought our pet dog, so someone has to stay outside with said pet. And the funniest part is the dog actually took a dump in the middle of the road.
I know what you're thinking, why didn't you pick it up and throw it in the trash? To answer that question is that we don't have a plastic bag with us and we didn't expect the dog to take a dump in the middle of the road. So we just left it there. But don't worry, there were a lot of stray dogs in Liliw. So even though she did it there, they can blame the stray dogs :D
The most interesting part of our trip was going there. You wanna know the reason why? My sister used the Waze app to get us to Liliw. But the problem is, instead of providing us the shortest route going there, it gave us longest route. So instead of 2 hours and 10 minutes of travel, it was 2 hours and 45 minutes. I know it was just a 35 minute addition but the thing is the road we took was narrow. Some of the streets was almost a bottleneck that a jeepney almost hit us when we were taking a right turn.
So that's pretty much my day. Hoping for more days like this.
Today, we went on a family road trip and oh boy, it was exhausting and yet I don't feel tired at all. I feel more energize and alive. I don't feel depress or angry. Unlike before that I feel tired and exhausted, even though I didn't do anything both physically and mentally. This was different.
My day goes like any other day, I woke up, ate breakfast and cleaned the house. My typical day. But since, my parents was planning to go to Liliw, Laguna, I have to bathe after all of my chores. After preparing all the necessary necessities for travel, taking out all of the pets to the garage, and then were off.
At first I was curious what's in Liliw, but I remembered from stories that they sell slippers there. So I imagined that it will just be full of stalls selling slippers. But I never thought that it will be a street full of stores selling said product. And it was my first time going there.
To be quite honest, we didn't spent that much time in Liliw. I think we only took an hour to look around. Main reason for that is we brought our pet dog, so someone has to stay outside with said pet. And the funniest part is the dog actually took a dump in the middle of the road.
I know what you're thinking, why didn't you pick it up and throw it in the trash? To answer that question is that we don't have a plastic bag with us and we didn't expect the dog to take a dump in the middle of the road. So we just left it there. But don't worry, there were a lot of stray dogs in Liliw. So even though she did it there, they can blame the stray dogs :D
The most interesting part of our trip was going there. You wanna know the reason why? My sister used the Waze app to get us to Liliw. But the problem is, instead of providing us the shortest route going there, it gave us longest route. So instead of 2 hours and 10 minutes of travel, it was 2 hours and 45 minutes. I know it was just a 35 minute addition but the thing is the road we took was narrow. Some of the streets was almost a bottleneck that a jeepney almost hit us when we were taking a right turn.
So that's pretty much my day. Hoping for more days like this.
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
New year blues
*sigh*
It's been awhile but I kept my promise of making more post.
My day is not any better to be quite honest you guys. There is nothing more that I hate that I keep being reminder that there is something wrong with me. I do this myself for encouragements but it feels that if repeated over and over and over again, it gets really frustrating and annoying.
I always do my part with no questions. Never questioning authorities, that how I was raised. But if people keep pointing that you're worthless beyond relief, that's below the belt and the line.
I was never to question any types of authorities because they what they are doing but if someone else is doing it for you when you have the same intentions, you just sit and rest. But they have to point out that I'm not doing my part when I just finished something that they asked me to do. Is that fair? When you're too busy to help someone? When you're fixing a problem just because they are too lazy to fix themselves?
I have no intention to be complaining this much but sometimes they will make you feel worthless even though you have been doing the same thing over and over again for years without any questioning them, at all.
I never get appreciation from the things I do. I never get the respect that I need and yet, authorities like this keeps people from rising up.
I never wanted to be like this. I had dreams to change the world and yet, they only want me to do what they want. To be their insurance policy. Because they think they know what kind of future we are facing but in fact, they are more clueless than the current generation.
We see everything has possibilities for great change and yet this type of authority forbade you from doing this change. They are manipulative.They are deceptive. They think they know better than everybody else. But in fact, they are just as clueless like the rest of us.
Sorry for the long rant. I just need to get this out of my chest.
It's been awhile but I kept my promise of making more post.
My day is not any better to be quite honest you guys. There is nothing more that I hate that I keep being reminder that there is something wrong with me. I do this myself for encouragements but it feels that if repeated over and over and over again, it gets really frustrating and annoying.
I always do my part with no questions. Never questioning authorities, that how I was raised. But if people keep pointing that you're worthless beyond relief, that's below the belt and the line.
I was never to question any types of authorities because they what they are doing but if someone else is doing it for you when you have the same intentions, you just sit and rest. But they have to point out that I'm not doing my part when I just finished something that they asked me to do. Is that fair? When you're too busy to help someone? When you're fixing a problem just because they are too lazy to fix themselves?
I have no intention to be complaining this much but sometimes they will make you feel worthless even though you have been doing the same thing over and over again for years without any questioning them, at all.
I never get appreciation from the things I do. I never get the respect that I need and yet, authorities like this keeps people from rising up.
I never wanted to be like this. I had dreams to change the world and yet, they only want me to do what they want. To be their insurance policy. Because they think they know what kind of future we are facing but in fact, they are more clueless than the current generation.
We see everything has possibilities for great change and yet this type of authority forbade you from doing this change. They are manipulative.They are deceptive. They think they know better than everybody else. But in fact, they are just as clueless like the rest of us.
Sorry for the long rant. I just need to get this out of my chest.
Saturday, December 31, 2016
Happy New Year Everyone!!!
Happy New Year Everyone!!!
It's been a rough 2016 but we can always smile to have a brighter tomorrow. About me not posting for awhile, I was a bit under the weather but I'll try to post more.
Anyways, Happy New Year Everybody!!!
It's been a rough 2016 but we can always smile to have a brighter tomorrow. About me not posting for awhile, I was a bit under the weather but I'll try to post more.
Anyways, Happy New Year Everybody!!!
Monday, December 26, 2016
Complete boredom
I just realized that I'm really bored. Literally. I was so bored I almost forgot to write on my blog (I told you). But seriously though, I almost forgot about and I will keep on reminding myself.
Remember that I said that I was studying blender? Guess what, I made a small animation.
It's just a small and simple animation but it was really worth it. I was really proud of myself last night. But not too proud though because I simply just beginning and I have a lot to learn.
Anyways, I'm just gonna keep this brief and simple.
Later
It's just a small and simple animation but it was really worth it. I was really proud of myself last night. But not too proud though because I simply just beginning and I have a lot to learn.
Anyways, I'm just gonna keep this brief and simple.
Later
Sunday, December 25, 2016
Starting from scratch
I never thought I'll be blogging again. The reason I said that is because I forgot that I even have a blog. I just thought I'll start a blog so that I can keep my mind occupied. But then again, I keep forgetting a lot of things. Especially on the things that I started. Just a couple of minutes ago, my dad reminded me that I have a blog of my own over in wordpress.
Anyways, I would like to start over again. Start over a new leash. Starting from scratch. I don't want to be the person whose life just keeps on revolving on situations I can't resolve or can't be resolve on my own.
This is going to be different. Different in a way that I need to assure that I will continue with the things that I want to do with my life.
Because in all honesty, motivation is hard to come by. It's the only thing I lack in life. You may think you can do everything, but in the end, you're only human. We must know our limit.
Limitation is not a weakness, it is to test your capabilities in life. And right now, I'm letting it win.
One thing is certain, I'll finish what I started.
On the other side of the serious spectrum, I just recently started learning on how to do 3d animation using Blender. I know it's a lot harder than it looks but you will never know until you try.
I'm keeping this as simple as possible.
Later.
Anyways, I would like to start over again. Start over a new leash. Starting from scratch. I don't want to be the person whose life just keeps on revolving on situations I can't resolve or can't be resolve on my own.
This is going to be different. Different in a way that I need to assure that I will continue with the things that I want to do with my life.
Because in all honesty, motivation is hard to come by. It's the only thing I lack in life. You may think you can do everything, but in the end, you're only human. We must know our limit.
Limitation is not a weakness, it is to test your capabilities in life. And right now, I'm letting it win.
One thing is certain, I'll finish what I started.
On the other side of the serious spectrum, I just recently started learning on how to do 3d animation using Blender. I know it's a lot harder than it looks but you will never know until you try.
I'm keeping this as simple as possible.
Later.
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